Tips for Roommate-ing as an adult.

rafi-dangelo:

Most of us have had roommates at some point, and some folks are heading into their thirties with neither a spouse nor a decent paycheck and still need roommates.  I was looking over some of my old roommate posts and I have a few tips for doing it as a mature adult as opposed to the disaster of alcohol and shirked responsibility we were in our early 20s.  This doesn’t really apply to people who live with friends, as your lines of communication should flow more smoothly in the first place.  For the rest though…

Check the volume in their room and throughout the apartment. 
When you have the apartment to yourself, put on some music or your television and check how loud it is in different areas.  Play with the volume to see what they can hear depending on where they are in the apartment.  This planning will come in handy when you bring a thot home and wonder if they can hear you getting it in.

Buy earplugs.  
Every one of us has needed to get up early on a Saturday for something or another and you can’t expect people to turn down early on a Friday night just because you decided to take a 7am spin class the next day.  I’ve suggested earplugs to so many whiners and gotten so many excuses.

They don’t fit.
Buy a different brand.
I won’t hear my phone alarm.
Put it on vibrate and stick it in the pillow.
It might overheat and catch on fire.
Use an alarm clock instead.
I don’t have one.
Buy one!

Your schedule is your problem.  You can either fix it or be miserable.

Ask if they want your leftovers.  
True, some roommates are trifling and will say “yes!” whenever you offer, but most are decent human beings.  If you have extra that you probably won’t eat today or tomorrow, ask if they want some.  Those goodwill coins stack up and you can cash in when you accidentally have one of those “I’m still young! I can hang!” nights and drink yourself into a oblivion.  Your roommate will probably bring you a Gatorade and a bacon-egg-and-cheese if you ask nicely and you have your goodwill karma in place.

Let them know when you want to cook.  
There is nothing worse than coming home with an armful of groceries and your roommate is already in the kitchen with their latest culinary creation.  If y’all don’t have a regular kitchen pattern, give a heads up and offer a piece.  "Hey I was wanting to cook on Wednesday if you want some.  Will you be using the kitchen?“  That’s planning *and* goodwill coins.

…and possibly most important of all…

Keep really good toilet paper in your room.
So you and your roommate take turns buying toilet paper.  You buy multi-ply with cushion but they buy struggle paper about as effective as gift bag stuffing.  Eventually you get tired of buying the good stuff so you buy the struggle paper too.  That’s fine, a little tit for tat, but always keep wet wipes or at the very least some 2-ply Charmin in your room.  Your asshole will thank you the first time you eat the wrong thing and suffer through a few rounds of diarrhea.  If you have to use struggle paper all day, you might as well be wiping with shrubbery.

That’s it.  Feel free to share your own *or* get your life together so you don’t need a roommate in the first place.